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Sunday, 22 June 2014

ZELDA WASSER AND THE DUKE: A REPORT FROM A FUGITIVE.

Sprays coffee everywhere.
   I was...
   MENTIONED in a video?!
   Don't these people know I'm on the run?!

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Hell, if I weren't on the run before...I am racing for my life now. I've picked up a cyberstalker. I have to say cyberstalker until I unearth evidence of outside-my-window stalking. Expecting those results shortly.
   I've mentioned Zelda before. HERE'S A BLOG POST ABOUT THAT. I'll wait for you.

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Empress Zelda Wasser, Queen of ZeldaLand, is to her nation what Jadis is to Narnia. Hmm. That makes her sound evil. But is Jadis really that bad? Free Turkish Delight comes at a cost, it's true...

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I don't routinely beam my book links on the Twitter. People tune that sort of publicity right out of their systems. Instead, I speak to the masses about #coffee - which I hashtag - and mints, on which I sometimes overdose.

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This is all part of my evil plan to engage in wordplay on a social media site. Because BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK just won't cut it.

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And so.
   Tuning in and discovering Zelda Wasser, I was astonished to be made privy to a terrible tale of internet interaction. By her own admission, Zelda has no concept of privacy.
   She shares information any serial killer would love to know.
   Here is a list of the firearms stored at my house. Come visit. We'll be waiting for you.
   Zelda's latest misadventure drew me in, yes, in real-time. I used the word privy with a sense of mischief. However, this is a family-based blog and...
   The Manson Family.
   Who the fuck am I kidding? Even I'm not sturdy enough to be reading some of the sick twisted shit I come up with.
   Right before our very Tweets, Queen Zelda suddenly engaged in simultaneous correspondence with a gentleman from the Indian subcontinent.
   Was he made privy to Zelda? This tale was more incontinent than subcontinent. Suffice to say the gentleman's predilection for showers of a golden hue knew no bounds.
   Would Zelda oblige?
   No. Though Zelda would blog about her experience.

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Zelda drew up plans. I'd already been dragged into those. She bestowed a Dukedom upon me. And there was talk of filling in on the shark patrol.

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New plans ripened. She decided to pull that old madwoman in the attic routine. (Fans of literary greatness, look away now.) Being the 21st Century, the shock twist involved use of a third-rate phone and some rambling.

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In the interest of fairness, I have reproduced the hysterical document below. I am having some trouble spelling historical. No showers, golden or otherwise, feature in this video.
   Marley's ghost hovers, though Scrooge is conspicuous by his absence. The video is © Zelda Wasser, 2014. Used by kind persimmons.
   As I am re-blogging Zelda's video in an act all a-fever with documentary intent, I note that the associated Bob Marley soundtrack appears courtesy the Fair Dealing and Fair Use doctrines of copyright law.

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Expect to receive your application forms soon, would-be Citizens of ZeldaLand. And would-be stalkers? You fill in a different form. It'll be like Ellis Island, for those who keep taking the piss.

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