If you have suicidal thoughts, type SUICIDE PREVENTION into your search engine and follow every link. Every link.
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Okay. I'm going to talk about banning someone from suicide. Yes. I did that the other day, a week ago. Blogging ahead by a week, time's funny that way.
I banned someone from suicide. The YouTube mental health activist Melissa C. Water. She's been having a rough time of it lately with Tourette's.
Basically, she traded in her old Tourette's for a new Menthol-flavoured Tourette's - with that added kick. What did she gain from this, besides more stress, extra pain, and a Secret Agent Decoder Wristband?
Images (c) Melissa C. Water 2014, used by kind persimmons.
That Spy Decoder also doubles as an alarm. If Melissa suffers a Tourette's-based tic attack, she hits the button and summons aid. The main danger is suffering a head-injury or spinal damage from a fall, and being left unattended.
Tic as a descriptor simply doesn't cover the experience. Try crossing an epileptic attack with a failure of gravity and reason. You are getting close.
By kind persimmons. Haven't used that mangled phrase in a long time.
Here's the specific link for Melissa's video on Tourette's: SECRET AGENT DECODER WRISTBAND. In the video, she mentioned her overall sense of worthlessness and recent suicidal feelings.
That was enough for me. I contacted her. Sure, I made it plain that she was obviously an inspiration to a whole load of people out there in YouTube land. But anyone could say that sort of thing. So I arranged the other item.
I banned her from suicide. It's a lifetime ban, in the sense that it is a lifelong one. Into, you know, wrinkly age. She'll die one day. But not today. So while she is here on the planet, she should be here on the planet.
Did you read that first blog on suicide? I took that text to Melissa and asked for help with the finer points. And she excelled. I decided I would repay the favour somehow.
How?
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She is an author. I saw she had a memoir sitting there. My curiosity turned to anger. HERE'S A BLOG POST ABOUT THAT. I'll wait for you.
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Anger in publishing serves but one purpose: the generation of good deeds. That's if you can change the thing that makes you angry. If you can't change the thing, let it go. Find another way to deal with the problem.
I am doing more than working up a blog post to repay Melissa for the assistance she gave on my earlier SUICIDE chat. Though this isn't certain yet, it's likely that once Melissa is out of her old publishing contract...
She'll be free to publish on Amazon. For that, she'll need an editor. And that would be me. She can't afford an editor. Being miserly, grumpy, evil, curmudgeonly, and a bit of a misanthropic snarler...
I'll charge Melissa $0.00 Canadian for the task.
In recent times, accusations were hurled at me. I was reported as nice, a do-gooder, a good guy, charming, awesome, brilliant, kind, thoughtful...
(Also, I totally and utterly rocked. Pardon my disbelief.)
This is an outrageous state of affairs. I have a complete lack of a reputation to live down to. These vile slurs of niceness cannot go unchallenged.
I may be forced to dust down my Darth Sinister robes, and deep-fry some Ewoks while I am about it.
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DARTH SINISTER: The Dark Side of Publishing is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be unnatural.
DARTH VANDERKARR: Formatting. Tell me about it.
DARTH SINISTER: How goes your plan to spread propaganda that I am not, in fact, evil?
DARTH VANDERKARR: Those fools have taken the bait, and soon many will fall into the clutches of my Empire.
DARTH SINISTER: What's that?
DARTH VANDERKARR: Our Empire.
DARTH SINISTER: Didn't quite catch your drift...
DARTH VANDERKARR: Your Empire. I'll inherit that, though. Through backstabbing.
DARTH SINISTER: Leave me. I must contemplate plans for my new Kryptonite-powered DEATH STAR. Having trouble with a component for the main laser beam. This...precious...gold ring.
DARTH VANDERKARR: Ooh, can I see that?
DARTH SINISTER: No.
DARTH VANDERKARR: Why not? Looks shiny. Stylish. Ringy. Kind of thing a Dark Lord Princess would have. Gimme.
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Anyway. I banned Melissa from suicide. For who would talk to me about her book, her intentions, her meanings, if she weren't there to collaborate on the editing process?
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Writing is meant to be about whatever it is meant to be about. This blog post is about preparing for things you might not be prepared to prepare for.
How are you going to handle shit, if someone suddenly announces suicidal thoughts? I've had a few suicidal-themed comments from people, across the internet, and I've dealt with those in different ways.
So how did I help Melissa? Surely banning her from suicide wasn't good enough...
No. I prepared a plan of action for her, should...
...she escape her publishing contract.
...we begin work on editing her book.
...I contact her through Skype to arrange spontaneous chatter about themes, structure, and major editing decisions.
And...
...should she then collapse with an attack while talking on the phone.
You thought writing was about telling stories? Well, it is. But there's so much more going on. Authors are supplied with special wristbands. How else are we meant to decode these secret agents?
I made the effort to prepare for things I might not be prepared to prepare for. Editing, across Skype. The sound of a body clattering to the floor...
Then not much sound. Time passes. No doors opening, no shoes clumping in, no one to assist in shielding Melissa's head...
So I'd be the only person in the world aware of the situation. She can't reach the big red button to summon help.
I made a plan.
Yes, I am a do-gooder. Not the only one. How many puppies must be slaughtered before I convince you all that I am evil? (No puppies, real or imagined, were slaughtered in the writing of this scene.)
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Change what you can. Prepare for the pumpkin. And the unexpected. Prepare for the expected pumpkin, as preparing for the unexpected pumpkin is a half-measure at best.
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So this is my update on the topic of SUICIDE. The woman who helped me with the original blog post? I banned her from suicide. Just like that.
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YouTube link: idranktheseawater.
Link to MELISSA'S HAT VIDEO: HAT'S ALL, FOLKS.
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And, supposing you missed this…
If you have suicidal thoughts, type SUICIDE PREVENTION into your search engine and follow every link. Every link.
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